My name is Dr. Burnörium, proprietor of Dr. Burnörium's Hot Sauce Emporium and purveyor of the world's finest fiery products.
Don't be shy. Come on in and close the door behind you. There's nothing to fear. Nobody's going to hurt you. Unless of course, that's the real reason you're here.
It gives me great pleasure to welcome you to my emporium. From the deepest depths of the foundations, right up to the gargoyle sat atop the attic room, it has been built with an absolute burning passion for fiery flavour. I live it, I breathe it, I love it and I very much look forward to sharing it with you.
I invite the chillihead, the thrill-seeker, the adventurer, the intrepid, the macho, the mischievous, the enlightened, the curious, the compulsive, the slightly nervous and even the downright petrified to join me as we descend the stone steps that lead us deep into the fiery bowels of my emporium.
In accordance with Health & Safety Executive guidelines please take your time and tread carefully. Overexcitement whilst walking down steps can lead to accidents.
As your eyes adjust to the light you will notice before you shelves packed with an amazing array of hot chilli sauces, chilli extracts, BBQ sauces, hot mustards, wing sauces, chilli seasonings, chilli rubs, fiery snacks and chilli gift packs.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this blows Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory out of the water. Of course you're right and what's more my stuff isn't going to rot your teeth and make you fat.
I've personally tasted every single product I sell. I use and enjoy them on a daily basis so you can rest-assured that if it's in my emporium it's the very best of the best. Whether you're a seasoned chillihead or a reluctant chilli-virgin I have something for you that will blow your mind, set your taste buds alight and banish the bland from your life forever.
Of course I realise that there are those who may be wary of the fire. Bless your little cotton socks. Fret not my sensitive souls, I have plenty of products that are packed with flavour but are mild in heat. Make these your starting-point and experience for yourself the incredible versatility they offer as condiments, cooking ingredients or marinades.
For the adventurous gourmets amongst us I have an amazing selection of mid-heat range sauces for you to get creative with. You'll find an array of wonderful products to both inspire your culinary creations and maybe even add into your rice, noodles, couscous or mashed potatoes before packing them into one of those little ring-mould things so you can build a pretty food tower.
If you're a serious chillihead who actively craves the fire then I've got all you could ever desire. Like me, I'm sure you've often wondered what it might be like to lick the surface of the sun. Well wonder no longer my little heat-seeking missiles because I've got a great selection of the hottest products known to man. Just make sure you read my disclaimer though, I don't want any of you napalming yourselves without knowing what you're getting into.
That just leaves the complete chilliphobic. There's not a lot I can do about this condition I'm afraid. However, you're still more than welcome because, as sure as Homer loves doughnuts, EVERYONE KNOWS A CHILLIHEAD and, when you give them a present from my selection of unusual gift items, you'll be guaranteed a big fat kiss planted on your forehead rather than a smile through gritted teeth as they open a bottle of Lynx Shower Gel and a pair of novelty socks for the twelfth birthday in a row.
Before I leave you to browse I'd just like to reassure you that there's no need for alarm should you hear the occasional scream emanating from the darkness way over yonder. My super-hot sauces and chilli extracts are without doubt painful in the extreme but the light-fingered minority from previous visits should have thought of that before they decided to slip stuff into their coat pocket and then forget to pay. Some of them have been here an awfully long time now.